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Spaced Invaders: Act 3

[Deputy Russell's patrol car, still hot, Sheriff Oxley is examining it, Orson Welles plays on the radio]

Sheriff Oxley
[burns finger on metal] Oh, my god! [find's Deputy Russell's camera] Russell?

[cut to Blaznee in ship in barn]

Blaznee at reast in the ship

Blaznee
Where are those guys? Geez, if I get this bucket fixed before they get back, they're walking home. This place gives me the willies. [Deputy Russell appears in the window] Arh!
Deputy Russell
Nobody gets away from Russell Pilsbury, Deputy Sheriff.
Blaznee
Ah geez.
Deputy Russell
Would you mind stepping out the vehicle sir. [pulls gun] Now!

[cut to Mr Wrenchmuller and Jim in car, returning with batteries, which Jim is attempting to fit]

Mr Wrenchmuller
Maybe it's in backwards. Now watch it, you're getting dog spit all over it. [flash] Thattaboy! [flash] Will you stop wasting film.

[back to barn]

Blaznee
[now outside ship] Gee officer, what seems to be the problem?
Deputy Russell
No licence, no registration, no headlights, no plates, not taillights, no wheels, and I caught you going 3000 miles per hours, that's 2945 miles an hour in excess of the posted limit.
Blaznee
Great, there goes my insurance.
Deputy Russell
$10 for every 5 miles an hour over the limit, [looks at calculator] ohh, you're going to do time pal. You may even get the chair for this.
Blaznee
Maybe you better step back and get the big picture here.
Deputy Russell
OK. [he steps on rat trap, strange whirring sounds from above] I've just made a serious mistake, haven't I?
Blaznee
Ain't life a bitch?

[Deputy Russell is wiped out by a falling hay bale]

Blaznee
Oooo, ouch. [saunters back into ship, sit down] Meanwhile, elsewhere on the planet.

Orson Welles
This is Orson Welles ladies and gentlemen, out of character, to assure you that the "War of the Worlds" has no further significance than the holiday offering it was intended to be.
Blaznee
Huh?
Orson Welles
The Mercury Theatre's own radio version of dressing up in a sheet and jumping out of a bush and saying boo. [more radio in background]
Enforcer Drone
You have failed. It's disciplinary review time.
Blaznee
Ohhh.

[cut to Sheriff Oxley rushing into his house]

Orson Welles
You'll be relieved I hope to learn that we didn't mean it and that both institutions are still open for business. So goodbye everybody and remember please the terrible lesson you've learnt tonight. That grinning glowing globular invader in your living room is an inhabitant of the pumpkin patch and if your doorbell rings and nobody's there, that was no Martian, it's Halloween.
Sheriff Oxley
[puts tape in VCR, plays shot of ship flying past] You wanna bet.

Sheriff Oxley discovers the truth about the invasion

[back to barn]

Blaznee
Wait, I told them we were supposed to be attacking Arcturus. It's not my fault. Let's talk this out. I'll go, get them, and we can blow up any planet you want. Just give us a chance.
Enforcer Drone
Too late, your imperfection has exceeded acceptable error levels. You are terminated.

[Blaznee makes dive, Enforcer Drone shoots, Enforcer Drone leaves after seeing Blaznee in pool of green blood]

Enforcer Drone
Now for the others.

[cut to outside barn, Mr Wrenchmuller is arriving]

Mr Wrenchmuller
That's it, come on Jim. Here that, he must be right on the other side of that bail. This time we're going to get ourselves the picture of the century. Now are you ready, get set, go! [leaps up, takes photo of Deputy Russell, who's just waking up]
Deputy Russell
Argh!!!
Mr Wrenchmuller
But I thought you was a Martian. Oww, what dya do with him? He was here when I left.
Deputy Russell
He was here when I left too.

[Mr Wrenchmuller and Deputy Russell enter ship, look at Enforcer Drone's docking station]

Mr Wrenchmuller
What do you suppose was in there?

[cut to Enforcer Drone flying across field]

Enforcer Drone flying across field

[cut to grain co-op]

Lieutenant Giggywig
That's it, I'm going to kill something if it's the last thing I do. And this time, nothing is going to stand in my way.
Corporal Pez
Oh, yeah, right. What now oh terrifying one.
Doctor Ziplock
Shouldn't we be trying to find the fleet?
Lieutenant Giggywig
Oh sure, we can do it the easy way, or we can sack this entire area all by ourselves, with a single brilliantly conceived, meticulously executed and perfectly timed operation.
Corporal Pez
You hear that, we're going to blow something up!
Doctor Ziplock
Ya, but what?
Lieutenant Giggywig
That!

[cut to Mr Wrenchmuller's car]

Deputy Russell
Sheriff Oxley's at the VFW hall, he'll know what to do.
Mr Wrenchmuller
We're going to need us more than a sheriff, we're going to need us an army.
Deputy Russell
They'll never believe us.
Mr Wrenchmuller
Oh they're going to believe us all right. [scene of Blaznee in back of truck]

[cut to VFW hall, sign saying "Spook Luck", Mr Wrenchmuller drives up and parks at speed]

Mr Wrenchmuller
The Martians are coming, the Martians are coming!
Spanish Townperson
What's going on?
Mr Wrenchmuller
I'll tell you what's going on, Big Bean is being invaded by Martians.
Blaznee
[waking up in back of truck, finds goop all over him] What is this stuff?
Mr Wrenchmuller
From space!
Mr Wrenchmuller
You think I'm crazy do ya! Well I got one of them, right back here in this truck. [Blaznee hops out of truck] Come on, come on now, take a look at this.
Spanish Townperson
Take a look at what?
Mr Wrenchmuller
He was here, I swear it. Look at there, that's his green blood.
Frogish Townperson
That's paint. [laughter]
Mr Wrenchmuller
He's getting away, he's going to join his space army.

Blaznee
[hiding in alley] Space army! I'd death ray my grandmother for a space army about now.
Mr Wrenchmuller
Tell him Russell.
Deputy Russell
It's true, I gave one of them a ticket.
Mr Wrenchmuller
I'm telling you, it looked like a full scale invasion.
Mr Klembecker
I'll tell you what it looks like. It looks like a hoax to me.

Sheriff Oxley
[just arriving in his car] Mr Wrenchmuller is telling the truth.
Mr Klembecker
Are you insane?

Sheriff Oxley
Look, I don't pretend to know everything that's on here but it is clear to me from evidence that I have seen, that we are being... visited... by intelligent creatures.
Blaznee
Intelligent creatures, that'll throw them off the trail.
Mr Wrenchmuller
I even got picture, look it here, that's what they look like.
Mrs Vanderspool
Oh, they look just like the Sheriff's nephews.
Sheriff Oxley
Nephews?
Frogish Townperson
Your nephews are Martians?
Sheriff Oxley
No my nephews aren't Martians, I don't even have any nephews.
Mr Wrenchmuller
Well their spaceship's in my barn.
Mr Klembecker
[points at Mr Wrenchmuller] He's a crazy man.
Frogish Townperson
Where did they get their spaceship then? ???
Mrs Vanderspool
In California, they're surfers.
Sheriff Oxley
Surfers?
Mrs Vanderspool
That's what your daughter said.
Sheriff Oxley
Wait a minute, where is Kathy?
Mrs Vanderspool
She got out with your Martian surfer nephews!
Sheriff Oxley
Mrs Vanderspool, do you have any idea how stupid that sounds?

Mrs Vanderspool tells the locals about the Sheriff's nephews

Spanish Townperson
I suppose they're little?
Mr Wrenchmuller
That's right.
Spanish Townperson
And green?
Mrs Vanderspool
Oh yes.
Spanish Townperson
With little diddlybobs coming off their head?
Mr Wrenchmuller
Now you're cooking with gas.
Frogish Townperson
Sounds like Martians to me.

Sheriff Oxley
I just want everyone to remain calm!

[townspeople break out into raging arguments]

Blaznee
[into transmitter] Blaznee to World Domination Force.
Lieutenant Giggywig
[at co-op] Not now Blaznee, I'm busy sealing the doom of countless millions. Now shove off.
Corporal Pez
The device is in place, they'll never escape us now.

[maniacal laughter]

Blaznee
[throws down transmitter] That's it, let the Enforcer Drone have them. Whoops. [Brian runs past]
Brian
Sheriff Oxley! Sheriff Oxley! [notices Blaznee running away] Hold it, hey, come back here. [gives chase]
Blaznee
Ohhhhhh.
Brian
Martians over here, Martians, Martians, ayyyyyy. [chases Blaznee down alley and knocks him out with a trashcan lid] Ha!

Brian prepares to launch the frisbee

Brian
[aprehends Blaznee] Never mess with a frisbee champion.
Blaznee
Mayday, mayday, going in.

[cut to co-op, Lieutenant Giggywig by himself]

Lieutenant Giggywig
Doctor Ziplock!
Doctor Ziplock
Huh?
Lieutenant Giggywig
Activate the hovver-vid.

Ziplock starting the hovver-vidZiplock starting the hovver-vidZiplock starting the hovver-vid

[cut to VFW hall, populace still arguing]

Sheriff Oxley
Wait a minute, hold it, hold it, you're going about this all wrong. There's nothing to indicate that we're in any kind of danger here, we don't know what we're dealing with here. We don't even know where they are.

[the EDTV store behind him blows up]

Lieutenant Giggywig
[on omniblab] We interrupt your lives to bring you a special announcement. The Martians have landed. Prepare to die Earth scum!

[cut to alley, Brian interrogating Blaznee]

Brian
All right, where's your spacesip [sic]?
Blaznee
What's a spacesip [sic] and what are you?
Brian
I'm a carnivorous duck and I'm in a bad mood, now start talking or I start eating.
Blaznee
[notices Enforcer Drone lurking around corner] Oh you mean my spaceship, I get your drift now, I can lead you right to it. Come on!
Brian
Some alien menace you turned out to be.

[cut to gas station]

Bipto and Verndroid working on their attack vehicle

Verndroid
Captain Bipto, I'm picking up a signal from the omniblab.
Captain Bipto
What?

Lieutenant Giggywig
[on omniblab, being projected by Verndroid's eyes] On behalf of His Majesty's Atomic Space Navy, I hearby invite you to surrender peacefully, so we can execute you in an orderly fashion. And just in case you're thinking of fleeing is mass panic, forget it, we are now cutting off your only means of escape. Hit it!

[the off-ramp explodes]

Captain Bipto
Brilliant! I would give anything to see the faces of those human scum now!

[back at VFW hall]

Mr Klembecker
The off-ramp. They blew up our new off-ramp.
Lieutenant Giggywig
[on omniblab] Watch now as we obliterate a few of your puny missile silos. [pans to show grain silo]
Mrs Vanderspool
Hey, they're over at the co-op.
Mr Klembecker
Let's get 'em!

[townspeople saddle up]

Mr Wrenchmuller
I was first I got me pictures.
Sheriff Oxley
Wait a minute.
Mr Wrenchmuller
I got pictures.

Lieutenant Giggywig
[on omniblab] Terrifying isn't it? [maniacal laughter]
Mr Wrenchmuller
I got pictures of them!

[back at co-op]

The Martians assembling their fearsome weaponry

Lieutenant Giggywig
Hurry up, everyone's watching.
Doctor Ziplock
He keeps trying to put Tab A into Slot B.
Corporal Pez
I am not, it says right here, insert eradogafnic flowdad into the hypopodnic cybo-clutch, see?

[cut to Kathy, watching Martians from behind boxes, just discovered by Scout in a Can]

Scout In A Can discovers Kathy

Kathy
Oh, hi. You gonna turn me in?
Scout in a Can
[shakes head]
Kathy
Don't you want to take over the world too?
Scout in a Can
[shrugs]

[back to aliens]

Giggywig delivers his ultimatum to the Earthlings

Corporal Pez
OK, we're ready.
Lieutenant Giggywig
Fire!
Doctor Ziplock
Oooo.

[they start firing at the grain silo, which starts glowing red hot]

Corporal Pez
Pretty neat huh?

[cut to convoy of town vehicles heading towards co-op, guns firing etc, Sheriff Oxley's car bringing up the rear]

Sheriff Oxley
This kind of thing is not supposed to happen in small towns. I moved out here to get away from things like this!
Deputy Russell
This happen a lot in Chicago?

[back to co-op]

The aliens firing their weapon

Corporal Pez
Now this is what planetary siege weapons are all about. [laughter]
Lieutenant Giggywig
Wait a minute, cease fire, something's wrong.
Doctor Ziplock
Wrong? What, what?

Their target is a grain silo

[Enforcer Drone comes around corner, Scout in a Can ducks for cover]

Lieutenant Giggywig
It's been booby trapped!
Corporal Pez
And we're the boobies!

[grain silo explodes, covering everything with popcorn]

The grain silo explodes, spraying popcorn everywhereCaptain Bipto celebrates another victory

Captain Bipto
[back at garage, hears sound] Ahha! Another big one!

[Kathy grabs Scout in a Can and runs, screams as aliens are covered]

Lieutenant Giggywig
What is this stuff?

The aliens buried under the popcorn

Doctor Ziplock
It's the most insidious weapon I have ever seen.
Corporal Pez
Hey, it doesn't taste bad though.
Lieutenant Giggywig
Well how do we get out of here?
Corporal Pez
Follow me!

[munching sounds]

Kathy
[digging her way out of the popcorn] Boy, you guys are in big trouble now, we've gotta get out of here fast. [grabs Scout in a Can and runs] Hey, it's a map of Big Bean. That's my house, this is where we are now, now show me where your ship landed. [Scout in a Can does so] That's old man Wrenchmuller's, I know where that is. Come on.

[Enforcer Drone also digs itself out of the popcorn]

[cut to convoy]

Mr Klembecker
There's one, shoot it you idiot. [bang, meoww] Never mind, shoot that instead.

[aliens emerge from under a pile of leaves]

Doctor Ziplock
Well, are we all having fun yet?
Lieutenant Giggywig
Yahoo.
Corporal Pez
What a disaster.

[cut to barn]

Brian
Is this some kind of trick?
Blaznee
Look kid, you helped me out of a jam, so I'll level with ya. I don't know anything about this invasion thing, but if you help me out here, I'll do my best to try and stop it. Deal?
Brian
Deal. [cool hand shake]

[cut to radio station]

Corporal Pez
I'm telling you, this is it, we're here.
Lieutenant Giggywig
Well, then where are all the craters and flaming buildings?
Corporal Pez
According to my pocket navigator, this is where the battle took place, OK?
Lieutenant Giggywig
We're lost, we missed the war and it's all your fault.
Corporal Pez
What do you mean it's my fault, I didn't do anything, it was all your idea.
Doctor Ziplock
Maybe if we just ask somebody.
Lieutenant Giggywig
My one chance at the big time and you ruined it.
Corporal Pez
Ah shut up, I don't want to hear it.

Doctor Ziplock
This gentleman perhaps. [runs up to Disc Jockey] Excuse me!
Disc Jockey
Argh! [chuckle] You scared me.
Doctor Ziplock
So sorry.
Lieutenant Giggywig
No no that's good, now we're getting somewhere. [grabs Disc Jockey by collar] Which way to the massacre?
Disc Jockey
The wha? Oh, [chuckle], you mean the [points to flier], I'm sorry boys, but it's over.
Lieutenant Giggywig
Over?
Disc Jockey
Yeah, I'm afraid so. Shame you missed the ending though, that's the best part.
Doctor Ziplock
How so?
Disc Jockey
Well you see, just when it seemed that the Earth was doomed to be taken over, the Martians just up and died.
Lieutenant Giggywig
Oh really, what happened to all their bodies.
Disc Jockey
The birds got them mostly, pecking and tearing at them, swallowing little mouthfuls of their rubbery flesh, and the dogs, the dogs had their turn at them too, fighting over the scraps and gnawing on their little skeletons. [barks, laugh]
Lieutenant Giggywig
Hmm mmm, and just how did they die?
Disc Jockey
Ah, our germs got 'em.
Lieutenant Giggywig
Germs?
Disc Jockey
Yeah. Little microbes, like the one that gave me this damned cold. [sneeze]

[aliens scream in horror, Disc Jockey laughs]

Disc Jockey
Well, have a good time boys.

[cut to spaceship]

Brian
I don't mean to be nosy but was there any particular reason you guys decided to invade Earth?
Blaznee
Promise you won't laugh?
Brian
Sure.
Blaznee
Ever hear of the "War of the Worlds"?

[cut to radio station, aliens on ground panicking]

Corporal Pez
[holding War of the Worlds flier] Guys guys guys!!! Get a load of this!

[cut to spaceship, Brian is laughing hysterically, Blaznee looks bad]

[cut to radio station, aliens sitting up staring at flier]

The Martians in despair outside the radio station

Corporal Pez
Where do we go? What do we do? Where do we hide?
Lieutenant Giggywig
Back to the ship. Back to the asteroids. I love the asteroids. Nice quiet boring asteroid patrol, that's the life for me.
Corporal Pez
Are you kidding, we'll never make it back to the ship with all that enemy firepower out there.
Doctor Ziplock
Luckily I remembered to bring my distressomatic.
Corporal Pez
I love this guy, come here Zippo. [hugs Doctor Ziplock]

[cut to ship, where all hell has broken lose]

Blaznee
Oh no, not now, it's not ready.
Brian
What's not ready?
Blaznee
The ship. One of those vacuum-heads pulled a Distressomatic.
Brian
A what?
Blaznee
It's an emergency beacon auto-pilot. The ship's programmed to fly to it, no matter what.

[cut to gas station]

Captain Bipto
Verndroid, where did you put... [bowled over by Verndroid, which is screeching the distressomatic signal]
Captain Bipto
That's a distressomatic signal. My boys are in trouble. Vern Droid, there's not a moment to lose.

[pickup breaks out of gas station]

[cut to field, Kathy carrying Scout in a Can, which is screaming the alarm]

Kathy
What, no it's this way. [Scout in a Can races off] But! Wait!

[cut to field, Enforcer Drone is screaming the alarm]

[cut to barn, Mr Wrenchmuller arrives as ship is powering up, he goes inside to look for something]

Mr Wrenchmuller grabs some dynamite

Mr Wrenchmuller
[holding up stick of dynamite] Farmer's all-purpose helper. Guaranteed to remove stumps, gophers and drastically reduce the flight potential of Martian spaceships. [goes outside] Now Jim, you stay there, and I'll be right back.

Mr Wrenchmuller's dog, Jim, looks on

Blaznee
I've gotta rig an override before the engine charges up.
Brian
What do you want me to do?
Mr Wrenchmuller
[running into ship] Run for your life, run for your life boy. [pushed Brian out door, turns to Blaznee] Abandon ship shorty! [flash]
Blaznee
Oh! Abandon it, I just fixed it.
Mr Wrenchmuller
That's too bad, because I'm about to unfix it. [flash]
Blaznee
Ah!
Brian
Hey, what's going on? Open up.
Blaznee
What are you doing?
Mr Wrenchmuller
I'm going to cancel your ticket home. There's folks out there that'd give a lot of money to get their hands on you guys, and I'm the one that's going to get it. So I suggest you vacate the premises.
Blaznee
Just let me shut the engines off with this little red switch right here.

[hits switch, Mr Wrenchmuller is stuck in a stasis field]

Blaznee
Get out of here kid. Gee.
Brian
Whoah, come on Jim, we're out of here.
Blaznee
No, wait, hold it.
Brian
[goes back for candy bag] Wait a minute, now we're really out of here.
Blaznee
Urgh!

[ship takes off, for about 5 seconds, then crashes again, repeating this many times]

[cut to Brian running down the road]

Brian
Forgive me Mother, I have to throw away my fins. I'll make it up to you, someday, somehow. [tosses away flippers]
Kathy
[in nearby field, with Scout in a Can] Shsshh, listen. [crunch noise of spaceships hops]

[cut to aliens running towards the ship]

Lieutenant Giggywig
Shssshh, what's that? [sound of ship]
Corporal Pez
Can't be any worse than that. [sound of convoy]
Blaznee
[still in ship] Whooaaahhhh!!!!

[cut to Sheriff Oxley's car]

Deputy Russell
Duck.
Sheriff Oxley
Huh?
Deputy Russell
Duck! [Sheriff Oxley ducks]
Deputy Russell
No, duck! [points to duck on road, Sheriff Oxley brakes]
Brian
Wait!
Deputy Russell
[pull gun] Hold it right there! Are you a Martian?
Brian
I'm a duck!
Deputy Russell
If you're a duck, where are your webbed feet?
Sheriff Oxley
Snap out of it Russell.
Brian
The Martians, they went thataway!

[cut to Blaznee in ship]

Blaznee fires at the autopilot

Blaznee
Whoah, I said whoah! [pull weapon] When I say whoah, I mean whoah! [fires at console, ship stops bouncing]

Blaznee holsters his weapon, satisfied with a job well done

[Scout in a Can and Kathy arrive at ship]

Blaznee
Come on, we gotta get off this crazy rock.
Kathy
Well I guess this is goodbye.
Scout in a Can
[sees Enforcer Drone, screams]
Kathy
Don't take it so hard. [sees Enforcer Drone, screams]

[Kathy and Scout in a Can run into ship, Scout in a Can screams at Blaznee]

Blaznee
Ah will you knock it off, I'm busy. [see Enforcer Drone, screams, pulls on controls, fires up motor which bounces Enforcer Drone away, ship lands in front of aliens] Whoah!
Lieutenant Giggywig
The ship the ship the ship.
Corporal Pez
All right, lets boogie.

[all run into ship]

Doctor Ziplock
Activate defence shields, activate defence shields.
Corporal Pez
The humans are coming, the humans are coming.
Lieutenant Giggywig
Blaznee, get us out of here.

Blaznee
No can do. Thanks to your stupid distressomatic, we tweaked our vapour plate, our megaspaz redundancy pile has been fried, not to mention I had to kill the auto-pilot.
Lieutenant Giggywig
I don't care, then fix it, fix all of it, all of you, fix it fix it fix it fixt it fixt it fixt it! [pause] Who's that? [stares at Mr Wrenchmuller in statis field]

A classic picture of Doctor Ziplock in the ship

Doctor Ziplock
Reroute the eratogatic flowdads through the tunnel fluctuator.
Corporal Pez
Are you crazy, you know how bad that's gonna smell?
Blaznee
Somebody hand me a plasma coupler.
Scout in a Can
[grabs dynamite from Mr Wrenchmuller and hands it to Blaznee]
Blaznee
Come on already. [grabs dynamite from Scout in a Can and puts it in a tube, blows ship a few feet off the ground] Stand by for take off.
Captain Bipto
[in car] That must be our boys wreaking havoc over there!

[car arrives, Verndroid opens door for Captain Bipto]

Captain Bipto
Oh, thank you.
Verndroid
I shall wait in the transport.
Captain Bipto
Good Verndroid, you do that. He's such a good boy. [walks on to ship]
Lieutenant Giggywig
Come on, come on, what's taking so long.
Doctor Ziplock
Let's see now, N38 to the 6th power, now we cross link the improvinator to the spog mesh.
Captain Bipto
My men!
Aliens
Whaaaa!!!
Blaznee
Ohhhh.
Captain Bipto
I must say, I am impressed. A brilliant victory brought about by your indomitable will to win.

[convoy arrives at ship]

The locals arrive at the ship

Spanish Townperson
What the hell is that thing?
Mr Klembecker
Who cares, just shoot it! [bang, lots of bangs, aliens duck]

And apply standard human reasoning

[back inside ship]

Captain Bipto
We did win, didn't we?
Blaznee
No, but if we think fast enough, we just might live to lie about it.
Captain Bipto
What's the problem? Just vaporise, everyone, everything, boof, mission accomplished, medals, awards, a parade, next!
Lieutenant Giggywig
No, wrong, false, none of the above. Why, because we're not supposed to be here.
Blaznee
What?
Lieutenant Giggywig
We goofed, we erred, we misinterpreted the data at hand.
Captain Bipto
I told you so.
Lieutenant Giggywig
Let me explain the whole situation in a nutshell. There are five of us and four billion of them. They have Strategic Air Commands, nuclear powered submarines and John Wayne. We have this.
Captain Bipto
Is it loaded?
Lieutenant Giggywig
Let's find out!

Giggywig tosses up whether to test his weapon out on his commander

Blaznee
Wait a minute, we got bigger problems to worry about.
Lieutenant Giggywig
What could be worse than this?
Blaznee
That! [points to Enforcer Drone's home]

Corporal Pez is not taking this well

Lieutenant Giggywig
Argh, who let him out.
Captain Bipto
Martians, I'm afraid we have no choice, we'll have to use the D-O-D.
Corporal Pez
Huuuu.

Corporal Pez is definitely not taking this well

Captain Bipto
Quick, break out the kit.
Kathy
[still hiding in ship, to Scout in a Can] What's the D-O-D? What does it do?
Scout in a Can
[shows picture of Earth exploding]
Kathy
You can't do that, if you let your friends blow up the Earth I'll never speak to you again.

Kathy hiding in the ship

[outside ship]

Sheriff Oxley
Hold you fire. [through megaphone] Hold your fire! Now put your guns down.

[firing stops, ship doors open]

Spanish Townperson
What the hell is that?

[aliens inside D-O-D]

The Martians inside the DOD

Captain Bipto
Citizens of Earth, surrender or die!
Mr Klembecker
Why should we, we got you surrounded.
Sheriff Oxley
Take it easy Klembecker.
Captain Bipto
Because if you don't surrender, or attempt to kill us, this device will denote, and you, your town, and everything within a million mile radius, will just simply go kaboom.

[Enforcer Drone creeps up over the hill]

Corporal Pez
Wow.
Mr Klembecker
Well then you'll be killed too.
Captain Bipto
Wrong! For this, you see, is the Doughnut of Destruction!

[Enforcer Drone runs for cover, buries itself it the ground (not that it will help!)]

Captain Bipto
And will obliterate all of you, while leaving us completely unscathed.
Mr Klembecker
Oh yeah, what about your ship? Won't that be obliterated too?
Blaznee
Ooohhhh.
Lieutenant Giggywig
We're doomed. Let's let them have it. [grabs detonator] Give me that. Prepare to die Earth scum. [laughs manically]

[D-O-D shakes a bit then falls apart, releasing Mr Wrenchmuller (for unknown reasons)]

The DOD fails when it's most needed

Doctor ZiplockDoctor Ziplock
You did it again, didn't you, you put Tab A into Slot B! I must have told you a hundred times.
Corporal Pez
No I didn't, it wasn't me.
Lieutenant Giggywig
Come on, you want to argue or live?
Kathy
[in ship, to Mr Wrenchmuller] Are you all right?
Mr Wrenchmuller
I can't move. My whole body's asleep.
Kathy
I'll get help. [Scout in a Can rushes off to follow aliens]
Kathy
Hey, somebody help, hurry.
Sheriff Oxley
Kathy? Kathy! I've been looking all over for you.

 

Spanish Townperson
[looking at Kathy, still in alien suit] What the hell is that?
Brian
You're alive! [bowls her over]

[cut to aliens running away]

The Martians run away across the fields

Corporal Pez
Prepare to die Earth scum, prepare to die Earth scum, I'm going to make sure they carve that on your tombstone.
Lieutenant Giggywig
Ah, shut up!

[cut to folk at the ship]

Mr Wrenchmuller
They was all I needed to save my farm. I almost had 'em. I could have been rich, and never had to worry ever again.
Sheriff Oxley
It's going to be all right, just take it easy. I'll take you to my place.
Mr Wrenchmuller
They landed on my farm and that's gotta count for something don't it?
Sheriff Oxley
Sure it does.
Verndroid
Verndroid to Captain Bipto, Captain Bipto, come in please...
Deputy Russell
Hey, there's something wrong with my brother.
Sheriff Oxley
Vern's your brother?
Verndroid
Captain Bipto, come in please.
Deputy Russell
Well he used to be.
Sheriff Oxley
Vern? Must be shock, I'll take him back to my place.
Deputy Russell
[to Verndroid] I'll take care of your truck.
Sheriff Oxley
Keep an eye on that thing [the ship] until I get back and figure out what to do with it. Listen everybody, Russell is the sheriff now, listen to what he says.
Deputy Russell
[in background] All right, let's get organised.
Sheriff Oxley
Are you alright?
Kathy
Yes.
Sheriff Oxley
I suppose you have a pretty good explanation as to what you were doing riding around in an alien spacecraft.
Deputy Russell
[in background] Now then does anybody have any automatic weapons, grenades, bazookas, anything that might be helpful against this alien menace?
Brian
Nice knowing ya!
Deputy Russell
What have we here?
Townperson 4
The Martians got popcorn?

[cut to Enforcer Drone in place in the ship]


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Quinn "The Eskimo!"
16 Feb 1998