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Spaced Invaders: Act 4

[cut to Sheriff Oxley's place, VFW sitting on steps 1:06]

Sheriff Oxley
[gives cup to Mr Wrenchmuller] Here you go. [pats him on shoulder, goes back inside] It'll be alright.
Kathy
What are we going to do?
Sheriff Oxley
You're going to go to bed?
Kathy
But what are you going to do?
Sheriff Oxley
I don't know, call the airforce I guess.
Kathy
But you can't do that, the airforce hates Martians, they'll shoot them and drop nuclear bombs on them and stuff.
Sheriff Oxley
I don't know about nuclear bombs but their certainly deserve whatever they get, now come on.

Kathy explains the Martians to her dad

Kathy
But Dad, they're not really bad, they're just stupid. And they haven't really hurt anybody and, if we help them get away, no one will ever know the difference.
Sheriff Oxley
Look honey, I'm supposed to be the sheriff in this town, if I don't get some help to control this thing, and it gets any more out of hand, it's going to be my fault. I may as well just throw away this badge.
Kathy
That's all you care about, your stupid badge. If you want to be such a big important sheriff, why don't you do things yourself. At least they have a chance with you. [leaves upstairs]

[Sheriff Oxley goes into kitchen, where he finds Verndroid playing with magnets, which actually stick to his head, Verndroid smiles]

Verndroid smiling is the Sheriff's kitchen

[cut to field, where the aliens are camped]

Lieutenant Giggywig
What are we going to do now?
Corporal Pez
Looks like we'll going to have to apply for citizenship.
Captain Bipto
If only we could have connected up with the invasion force, it could have been glorious.
Blaznee
If we ever get out of here, remind me, I've got a real funny story to tell ya.
Doctor Ziplock
We're doomed to spend the rest of our lives breathing 75% nitrogen.

Blaznee
[singing to the tune of "Home on the Range"]
Oh give me a home, where the asteroids roam,

 

Aliens
[joining in]
And the bleebs and the buzzybugs play,
[coyote howls]
Where gravity's low, and the water is snow,
And the desert winds blow you away.
[coyote howls]
Mars, Mars is my home,
Where everyone's short just like me,
I wish I was there, where there is not such much air,
And two moons to shine down upon me.
[everyone sighs]

[cut to Kathy in bed, awake, Scout in a Can arrives]

Kathy is visited by Scout In A Can

Kathy
Hey, what are you doing here?

[cut to Blaznee, lying on back, clicking heels together]

Blaznee
There's no place like home. [click click click] There's no place like home. [click click click] There's no place like home. [click click click] [SIAC arrives] Hey shortstuff, welcome back, we're trying to figure out how to get outta here. Got any bright ideas? [Scout in a Can displays picture of Kathy and a map] Well bless your little batteries.

[cut to Sheriff Oxley's kitchen, Verndroid is playing with the blender, blending a banana]

Verndroid blending a banana

Sheriff Oxley
[into phone] A number for the Strategic Air Command please.
Operator
What extension please?
Sheriff Oxley
Do you have a listing for reporting unusual phenomena?
Operator
[condescendingly] A UFO?
Sheriff Oxley
Yeah, that'll do.
Operator
I'm sorry sir, there's no such listing. I do however have an almost unlimited number of listings of psychiatrists.
Sheriff Oxley
Wait a minute lady, I don't need to hear this. [looks out window, see sheet rope hanging down] Oh no. [hangs up phone, rushes out of house]
Sheriff Oxley
Kathy! Kathy! Kathy!

[at the co-op]

The kids meet up with the Martians

Kathy
You numb-heads, it was just an old radio show.
Brian
I finally figured out why you're here. You were sent here to ruin my Halloween, weren't you?
Captain Bipto
[into transmitter] Captain Bipto to Verndroid, come in please, Captain Bipto to Verndroid, ...
Verndroid
[stick back at Sheriff Oxley's house] Yes Captain Bipto!
Captain Bipto
Remember that little surprise we were working on. Well the time has come to unleash the terror! [maniacal laughter]
Verndroid
Would you like the conveyance equipped with nuclear warheads or partical beam weapons.

[back at co-op]

Captain Bipto
Hey whatever, be creative, we'll meet you there.
Lieutenant Giggywig
Well?
Kathy
Let's do it.

[ship has a spaz]

Blaznee
[looks at madly beeping device] Argh!
Captain Bipto
What's wrong?
Blaznee
The hyperfusion feedback governor, back on the ship, just had a meltdown. If we don't get back to zero gravity within the next, ohh, hour, the ships hyperdrive will implode, creating an ever expanding hole in the space-time continuum, making you, me, and the rest of this galaxy, some other universe's problem. [turns to Doctor Ziplock] Right? ???
Doctor Ziplock
Close enough.

[cut to Verndroid arriving at gas station, Mr Wrenchmuller hitching on back of pickup, Verndroid starts welding with his eyes]

Lieutenant Giggywig
We look stupid, don't we?
Corporal Pez
Just keep your head down, maybe no one will see us.
Doctor Ziplock
I don't see why I have to pedal this thing.
Brian
Hey pal, nobody rides for free.
Doctor Ziplock
What's he doing in there?

[cuts to Sheriff Oxley and Deputy Russell near the ship, discussing matters, Kathy and Blaznee sneak by]

Kathy
It's my Dad! [they duck]
Blaznee
Did he spot us?
Kathy
I don't think so.

[cut to inside ship, hatch opening, Scout in a Can crawling in]

Mr Klembecker
[in background] Get out of the way, shotgun coming through. Doh! We need more ammo.

[cut to Mr Klembecker and Townperson 4 (clown, same guy as "it's paint") at back of Mr Klembecker's truck]

Mrs Vanderspool
[runs up] Get him? Did you get him?
Mr Klembecker
Almost, we almost got him!
Townperson 4
Mr Klembecker shot a bunny rabbit though.
Mr Klembecker
Shut up!
Townperson 4
It was charging.
Sheriff Oxley
Let's just stay cool here, OK, I don't want anybody to get hurt.

[cut to Kathy and Blaznee]

Kathy
We're trapped, what are we going to do?
Blaznee
[looks at device] Die horrible searing deaths in less than an hour.

[back to the gas station, aliens look on as Verndroid works]

Verndroid doing some ocular welding

Corporal Pez
Ah, can we help?
Verndroid
No no, I'm fine here. Just a little more ocular welding and it'll be all set.
Mr Wrenchmuller
Now what the heck is that!

Brian without his duck costume

Brian
It's a diversion. We're going to get their ship back. You better not try to stop us. Even if you get through me, you're still going to have to deal with him. [indicates Verndroid]
Mr Wrenchmuller
Relax kid, I've just come to help. I already got a whole bunch of pictures, and if I help them get away, I'll have the only ones. [chuckles]
Verndroid
Gentlemen, I present, the farmzoid.

[the farmzoid is a huge monstrous thing, 10 stories high, gasps of astonishment from the gathered creatures]

The Farmzoid rises above the building

Brian
Now that's a diversion.

[cut to scene by ship, townspeople still planning to kill more rabbits]

Kathy
[hidden behind car, to Blaznee] We can't wait, we have to chance it. Argh! [Sheriff Oxley discovers them]
Sheriff Oxley
I thought I told you to go to bed.

Blaznee
That's it, take me to your secret government labs and cut me into wafer thin sections.
Kathy
Dad, all they want to do is go home. They know they've made a mistake and they're sorry, aren't you?
Blaznee
And getting sorrier by the minute.
Kathy
Oh yeah, and the ships going to blow up and destroy the earth is 15 minutes. Really Dad!
Blaznee
Hey, it's your planet.
Sheriff Oxley
OK, just for the sake of argument, how are you planning to get out of here anyway?

Blaznee
There's a few things I haven't tried yet. They're risky but better than death... probably.
Kathy
Oh and we worked really hard on creating this big diversion!
Sheriff Oxley
A diversion? What kind of a diversion?
Spanish Townperson
Hey, what the hell is that?
Kathy
Hmmm, [sheepishly] that diversion!
Sheriff Oxley
I got to admit, that's a diversion.

[snippet of farmzoid stalking across field]

Spanish Townperson
I don't care what the hell that thing is! [runs away]
Blaznee
Adios.
Verndroid
[in farmzoid cockpit] Hey Klembecker. Laugh now butthead.

[Kathy, Blaznee and Sheriff Oxley run into ship, which was opened by Scout in a Can]

Blaznee
I'll drive.
Sheriff Oxley
Hey!
Blaznee
[into transmitter] Mayday, mayday, ...
Sheriff Oxley
Look, you guys caused a lot of damage here, you're going to have to make restitution somehow. If you promise me that, then I'll help you.
Blaznee
How's this. Promise me that you can hit that blinking red light in the next 10 seconds, or else we're going to need help from a higher source.
Blaznee
Hang on!
Sheriff Oxley
Which red button?
Blaznee
That one. [Sheriff Oxley hits one] Not that one! [ship jumps another time]
Blaznee
Yeow!
Blaznee
Mayday, somebody answer me, mayday!

[Captain Bipto et al still at the gas station]

Captain Bipto
Captain Bipto, what's wrong?
Blaznee
Captain, we got problems, we're going to need a miracle just to get this baby off the ground, much less outer space.
Mr Wrenchmuller
Hey, can you tilt that contraption up on it's butt?
Doctor Ziplock
If the vertical orientation struts are still functioning.
Mr Wrenchmuller
Well I think I've got you covered. But we have to get back to the farm. Tell them to meet us there.
Captain Bipto
Right. [into transmitter] Meet at the Wrenchmuller farm, Bipto out.
Blaznee
[to Kathy] Hey, where do you guys grow your wrenchmullers?
Mr Wrenchmuller
[staring at key board] There must be something here we can use.
Brian
You can't just take a car!
Mr Wrenchmuller
[laughs] It's all right kid, I know this guy. [takes keys labelled "Mr Butthead"]

[car races out of garage doors]

[cut to farmzoid being shot at by townspeople]

Deputy Russell
Vern, you come down from there right now, you hear?
Verndroid
Yes, shoot my helpless friends, shoot, try everything you've got, the farmzoid is impervious. [laughs]
Deputy Russell
All right, that's it, Mom's going to hear about this!

[cut to ship, bouncing down a road]

Kathy
Make a left.
Blaznee
Left?
Kathy
Right! I mean yes!

[cut to farmzoid, townspeople fleeing]

Mr Klembecker
Come back you cowards. Come back here. It's just a big toy robot.
Verndroid
If I win, the whole tank wins, not just one guy.

[farmzoid drops a huge wheel on to Mr Klembecker's pickup]

A wheel from the Farmzoid crushes Klembecker's pickup

Mr Klembecker
Arrrgggghhh!!!!
Verndroid
Hahahahahahahaaaa!!!

[cut to Mr Wrenchmuller driving car to the farm]

Lieutenant Giggywig
Just in case anybody's interested, we have 12 minutes until the end of the world.
Corporal Pez
Come on, put this puppy into hyperdrive.
Mr Wrenchmuller
Maybe I better take a short cut. [drives off road across field]
Brian
[screams] Listen, I'd like to live to see the end of the world, OK?

[cut to ship]

Kathy
There's the farm!
Blaznee
Oh geez!
Aliens
Whoah!

[ship lands at farm, just as car arrives]

Lieutenant Giggywig
I'm telling you that ship has got the flight potential of a cement truck.
Mr Wrenchmuller
I can fix that.
Corporal Pez
What's that?
Mr Wrenchmuller
Why that's the farmer's all purpose helper, it's guaranteed to remove stumps and gophers and drastically improve the flight potential of Martian spaceships.
Corporal Pez
Get outta here!
Mr Wrenchmuller
Now help yourselves.

[they carry out boxes to the ship]

Brian
Hey, wait up, this I gotta see.
Blaznee
This is your captain speaking, I'd like to thank you for flying air Blaznee, I hope you live long enough to do this again sometime.
Brian
Come on.
Kathy
What if we...
Brian
Leave it!
Corporal Pez
Bypass the ectothrusters.
Blaznee
Guys, wait a minute!!! [pointing at Mr Wrenchmuller outside ship] That's the guy who wants to blow us up!
Mr Wrenchmuller
[carrying boxes of dynamite] Flight one to Mars, now boarding.
Sheriff Oxley
What are you going to do with this?
Mr Wrenchmuller
Oh come on sheriff, ain't you ever put a cherry bomb under a garbage can before.
Sheriff Oxley
A what?
Blaznee
Don't you guys ever listen to me?
Doctor Ziplock
Has anyone seen my astro???.
Corporal Pez
Who took the taurus-calibrator?
Blaznee
Wait, you gotta listen to me!
Captain Bipto
Blaznee, we'll fix that later, prepare to launch.
Blaznee
This isn't going to work.
Captain Bipto
Don't worry about that, our Earth friends are going to give us a little extra boost.
Blaznee
The only thing that that guy wants to boost is his bank account. He's trying to blow up the ship.
Captain Bipto
Assume standard vertical launch position.
Captain Bipto
[into transmitter] Verndroid this is Captain Bipto, are you receiving me? Verndroid, come in please.
Verndroid
Yes Captain Bipto, how may I be of assistance?
Captain Bipto
You assignment is complete Verndroid. Your bravery and devotion have saved us all. I am so proud of you son. And so, you are no longer my robot slave. Live and be free.
Verndroid
Thank you Captain Bipto. It has been a pleasure serving you. And now, I must bid you adieu. There's much work to be done. For you see, I have plans for this world, big plans. Verndroid away.

[cut to base of ship]

Sheriff Oxley
Listen, NASA spends years calculating fuel loads and launch pressures and orbital window dynamics, and you're going to just stuff dynamite under the ship and light the fuse.
Mr Wrenchmuller
[holding up detonator] Well actually, I was going to use this!
Sheriff Oxley
You kids get behind that tractor.

[they run]

Brian
This is supposed to save us from the end of the world.

[cut to inside ship]

Blaznee
Now before we go, does anyone need to go to the bathroom.

[back to base of ship]

Sheriff Oxley
Look, is this really going to work, because if it not then we ought to figure out some way to defuse that nuclear cosmos... whatever it is.
Mr Wrenchmuller
You know how to do that?
Sheriff Oxley
Well no.
Mr Wrenchmuller
Well move out of hear, 'cause this is going to solve everyone's problems. [waits for Sheriff Oxley to leave] One way or another.

[inside ship]

Corporal Pez
Hey, I'm not going home in a bag. I made it. I made it. I'm never going to do this again.
Lieutenant Giggywig
Same here.

[Captain Bipto is tapped on shoulder by Enforcer Drone]

Captain Bipto
Argh!

[everyone bundles out of the ship, followed closely by Enforcer Drone]

Corporal Pez
Run for your lives, run for your lives.
Kathy
Leave them alone.
Sheriff Oxley
Kathy, get back.
Kathy
They just want to go home.
Enforcer Drone
Impossible, they have failed in their mission.
Kathy
But if you kill them now, the gravity hypo-fusion quedo... will blow up in...
Blaznee
In about five minutes or so.
Kathy
And then the Earth will implode and that'll throw Mars out of orbit and then it'll go crashing into the Sun.

Blaznee
That would be a blemish on the old perfection record now wouldn't it pal?
Corporal Pez
Not to mention expensive, what if they took it out of your paycheck. Whoah, what's a planet cost these days?
Lieutenant Giggywig
Four minutes, thirty seconds.
Enforcer Drone
Very well, return to your spacecraft.
Aliens
Wheeeha!
Corporal Pez
Every Pez for himself.
Doctor Ziplock
Now Blaznee, when we lift off you'll have exactly 6.38621 seconds to fire the main engines in order to reach escape velocity.
Blaznee
Never tell me the decimal points.
Kathy
[too Scout in a Can] Look, I'm going to grow up to be five seven, five eight easy. You're probably full grown. I'm animal, you're polypropolene. And besides, they really need you. But we can write, or something.
Blaznee
Geez, you're breaking my heart. Here. [tosses transmitter to Kathy] Come on shortstuff, before they start checking for green cards.
Sheriff Oxley
Hey you, the next time you guys visit, pay closer attention to our traffic laws.
Blaznee
The next time we visit? Blurgh!

Kathy
Well thanks for not killing them Mr Enforcer Drone.
Lieutenant Giggywig
Sorry to interrupt, three minutes!
Enforcer Drone
You misunderstood. Once we reach the cold, airless depths of outer space, I shall incinerate them, and toss their charred sizzling skeletons into the cosmo.
Lieutenant Giggywig & Captain Bipto
Say wha?
Enforcer Drone
A quick vacuuming, a little air freshner, and I will have completed my duties with perfection.
Kathy
What!?!
Lieutenant Giggywig & Captain Bipto
Ohhhh.
Sheriff Oxley
You can't do that!

Mr Wrenchmuller
Hey better them than us.
Lieutenant Giggywig
I beg your pardon.
Kathy
I thought you were nice. But I was wrong, you're just a selfish old man.
Mr Wrenchmuller
They caused a lot more trouble than they was worth. [to Enforcer Drone] And if it hadn'ta been for you, things might have gotten even further out of hand. Somebody mighta even gotten killed. You know, I say that makes you a hero in both our planets. And as the ambassador of the planet Earth, I would like to present you with an award as a token of our appreciation. The Tri-Nitro Toluene award. Now you kids, why don't you run and get the champagne so we can do this thing up properly.

Enforcer Drone
I accept, in the name of goodwill, and hope for the peaceful co-existence of our two worlds. It certainly isn't much to look at, is it?
Mr Wrenchmuller
Let me light it up for you, so you can get the full effect.

The Enforcer Drone accepts his award

Enforcer Drone
My how pretty.
Mr Wrenchmuller
How'd you like to have a photo, so you can remember this.
Enforcer Drone
Yes please.
Mr Wrenchmuller
Well here, just let me back up a bit, so I can get the whole ship into it.
Enforcer Drone
Are you sure there's enough light?
Mr Wrenchmuller
Oh there's going to be plenty of light.

Enforcer Drone
I'm so proud, I don't know what to say.
Mr Wrenchmuller
You can just say your prayers. [ducks behind tractor]
Blaznee
What the!?!
Lieutenant Giggywig
Why aren't we moving?
Blaznee
Oh great, we're stuck here.
Mr Wrenchmuller
Well I guess he left. [chuckles]
Blaznee
[emerging from ship] What happened?
Kathy
Mr Wrenchmuller blew up the Enforcer Drone.
Blaznee
Hurray for our side.
Kathy
It's time to go, take care of yourself, all of you.
Mr Wrenchmuller
All right, break it up, there's billions of lives at stake. Now move.
Brian
Don't need to tell me twice.

[Mr Wrenchmuller wires up dynamite under the ship, then retreats to behind tractor with rest of humans]

Kathy
[into transmitter] Prepare for takeoff.
Mr Wrenchmuller
Start the countdown.
Kathy
Five... four... three...
Lieutenant Giggywig
Hey, wait a minute, I'm not in my seat!
Kathy
Two... One...

[boom!]

Kathy
You blew them up.
Brian
Yeah, waayyyy up!
Brian
Go go go.
Kathy
Yeah!

[inside ship, everyone is struggling against G forces]

Captain Bipto
Oh my!

[Blaznee hits rockets and Lieutenant Giggywig flies back into the toilet]

[everyone is screaming, engines stop working]

Blaznee
That's it, I quit.
Doctor Ziplock
Do something, you're the pilot!
Blaznee
How about if I eject?
Lieutenant Giggywig
Lighten the load!
Blaznee
Hurry it up Pez.
Corporal Pez
I'm lightening, I'm lightening.
Doctor Ziplock
We're still too heavy. something else must go.
Blaznee
We already dumped everything we can dump.
Lieutenant Giggywig
[in toilet] Except... [reaches for handle]
Blaznee
Hit it Giggy.

Giggywig hits it

[ship dumps waste, and makes orbit, waste descends on Mr Wrenchmuller's farm]

Brian
Yeah!
Kathy
Yay!
Sheriff Oxley
[to Mr Wrenchmuller] You know, the last time I put a cherry bomb under a garbage can, the garbage can didn't make it. I guess somebody up there likes you.
Mr Wrenchmuller
They just got lucky. [walks back to the house] If you see my dog, tell him we're moving tomorrow.

[cut to tomorrow morning, Mr Wrenchmuller's farm, sign outside saying "Klem Co Reality", Mr Wrenchmuller on the porch, Sheriff Oxley and Klembecker's cars outside]

Sheriff Oxley
Morning Mr Wrenchmuller.
Mr Wrenchmuller
That judge send you to come and throw me off my land?

[Klembecker gives Sheriff Oxley paper]

Sheriff Oxley
No but I'm afraid this is legal. It's wrong, but it's legal. I was just bringing somebody over, I thought you'd want to see.
Mr Wrenchmuller
[to Mr Klembecker] Him? What would I want to see him for?
Sheriff Oxley
No, not him, him. [Kathy lets Jim out of car]
Mr Wrenchmuller
Oh Jim, Jim, Jim boy.
Mr Klembecker
Well that's all very touching but, you can see, I've got things to do. So unless you've got the cash or a crop to sign over, I suggest you hand over the keys.

[Jim goes for Mr Klembecker]

Mr Wrenchmuller
Hold it Jim, he ain't worth your breath. [to Mr Klembecker] Now you want these keys, do ya? [laughs] Go get them. [tosses them over house]
Sheriff Oxley
I'm terribly sorry that is has to be this way.
Mr Wrenchmuller
You wanna hear something funny?
Sheriff Oxley
Sure.
Mr Wrenchmuller
Well you're going to hear it, right about... now.
Mr Klembecker
[screams] Arrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!

[everyone runs around house, join Mr Klembecker looking at full field of corn, Mr Klembecker storms away]

Mr Klembecker
Doh! I'll be back!

[cut to alien ship]

Captain Bipto
You know, we're only a few hours behind schedule so, if we hurry, we might make it to Arcturus in time to torture prisoners.
Aliens
Ah shut up!

[roll credits]


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Quinn "The Eskimo!"
16 Feb 1998